I spend a lot of time in the presence of death. I sit with people who are dying, support the people who love them, and watch families make tender decisions in rooms where time suddenly feels very short.
You might think that being this close to death makes planning for my own death easier. It doesn’t. I still have to move through the same discomfort, fear, and temptation to put it off.
But I have also seen what planning makes possible—and that is why I keep returning to my own.
How a professional death doula prepares for her own end reveals the true, transformative power of advance planning.
In this blog, I’ll help you demystify the emotions around your end-of-life planning and give you 4 simple ways to start planning today.
What Is End-of-Life Planning—and Why Does It Matter?
Advance care planning includes more than funeral wishes. It can include naming someone to make medical decisions for you, documenting the treatments you would or would not want, and completing medical orders with your doctor when appropriate.
Attorneys, doctors, and reputable planning guides can help with the forms. But before most people can fill in a single blank, they have to face something harder: the feelings that make them want to toss the forms and walk away.
Writing down what matters to you cannot guarantee that every moment will unfold exactly as you imagine.
It can, however, give the people who love you a compass when they are frightened, grieving, and unsure what to do next.
Why Is End-of-Life Planning a Gift to Your Family?
As much as you may feel reluctant to make decisions about your own end of life, imagine how much harder those decisions can feel to the people who love you when you are no longer there to answer their questions.
Working at a funeral home, I have watched grief become tangled with uncertainty. A family is already trying to absorb the fact that someone they love is gone, and then the questions begin: Would they have wanted burial or cremation? A quiet gathering or a full service? Who should decide?
Sometimes I see people search one another’s faces for an answer that no one has. Each person may have a different idea of what their loved one would have wanted, and when everyone is grieving, even small decisions can feel enormous.
I have seen how easily uncertainty can add guilt, second-guessing, and even conflict to an already painful time.
But I have also seen something very different.When someone has made their wishes known, there is a noticeable sense of relief. The family still feels the loss. There is still sadness, tears, and all the emotions that come with saying goodbye. But they do not have to guess.
They can say, “This is what they wanted.” I see the same thing in my work as a death doula. When someone has talked with their loved ones about how they want to be cared for at the end of life, their family has something to hold onto when the decisions become difficult.
Instead of wondering what Mom would have wanted, or whether Dad would have wanted this treatment, they have guidance from the person who matters most.
That is the gift of end-of-life planning. It does not take away the grief. It takes away some of the uncertainty surrounding it.
Planning ahead gives the people you love a compass—not because you can control exactly how the end will unfold, but because you have given them your voice when they may need it most.
Practicing What I Preach: Inside a Death Doula’s Personal End-of-Life Planning
My own plan is not a perfectly completed packet tucked away on a shelf. It is a living record of what matters to me in my final months, days, and hours that I will probably keep changing over the years.
It includes what comfort means to me, who I want nearby, and what I want my children to know without having to guess.
I have to make time in my packed schedule to keep working on it. I have to face difficult conversations with my husband about my wishes.
I get overwhelmed by the volume of information I have to complete. Like a lot of people, I fear I will never finish it.
But I return to it a little at a time. Each page asks me to imagine my absence, which is never easy, but each answer also feels like an act of care for the people I love.
Facing the Fear of End-of-Life Planning
Most of us find ways not to look directly at our mortality. We tell ourselves that talking about death is too bleak, that planning can wait, or even that naming what we fear might somehow invite it closer.
I understand that instinct. Planning asks us to picture a world continuing without us, and that can feel like too much to hold all at once.
We also reassure ourselves that there will be more time—that illness will announce itself clearly and leave us calm enough to make every decision. Sometimes it does not. And even when there is time after a diagnosis, treatment, uncertainty, and emotion can consume the energy we thought we would have.
Planning now is not going to make it more likely that something terrible will to happen. It is a kindness we can offer our future selves while we still have room to breathe.
End-of-life planning can create decision fatigue before we even begin. There are unfamiliar terms, questions we have never considered, and choices that touch our deepest fears.
If your mind goes blank or you feel an urge to put it off, that does not mean you are incapable of planning. It means you are human.
The answer is not to force yourself through everything at once; it is to make the first step small enough to feel safe.
4 Simple Ways to Start Your End-of-Life Planning Today
1) Don’t Wait for the Perfect Solution
I started with an inexpensive purple binder from an office-supply store. It is not elegant, and it is not finished. That is part of why it works. Whenever I answer one question, add one page, or write down one more wish, the binder becomes a little less like a symbol of death and a little more like a love letter to my family.
You do not need the perfect system. You need a place to begin.
2) Go Bird by Bird (Or, One Piece of Information at a Time)
When a big task overwhelms me, I return to Anne Lamott’s story in Bird by Bird. Her brother had put off a school report about birds until the night before it was due. Surrounded by books and close to tears, he could not imagine how to finish. Their father sat beside him and said, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”
End-of-life planning asks the same of us. Not the whole binder tonight. Not every answer at once. Just one bird.
My own advance planning work can feel painstaking. I take it page by page. But a slow and deliberate pace helps me be intentional about what I want. I also take the time to visualize how good I’ll feel this time next year when I look back and it’s all done.
3) Find an End-of-Life Planning Buddy
You do not have to sit alone with this work. A friend can be nearby—at the same table or on a video call—while each of you quietly works on your own planning.
This practice is sometimes called body doubling. The other person does not need to advise you or say the perfect thing. Their presence can simply make the task feel less lonely and help you stay with it when your instinct is to turn away.
Many people find comfort and inspiration by gathering friends to complete advance planning in a group.
You can turn these reflection sessions into an uplifting occasion. Bring along your favorite comfort foods, pour your beverage of choice, and wrap a serious task in the joy of connection and mutual support.
4) Consult with a Death Doula
If you want guidance without committing to a lengthy or expensive process, a death doula can help you understand the landscape and choose a manageable starting point.
A one- or two-hour session—with you alone or with a group of friends—may be enough to create a clear plan for what you can complete on your own. Sometimes the most helpful thing is simply having someone beside you who is not afraid of the subject.
The Biggest Mistake People Make in End-of-Life Planning
The missing piece in most people's end-of-life plans is communication. Once you write down your wishes, you need to communicate them to your loved ones.
Communicate your wishes to multiple people in multiple ways. And remind them of your planning documents and wishes every now and then.
My kids are probably tired of hearing about my big purple binder. I have told them where it is, emailed them about it, and brought it up when the moment felt right. I have also told other trusted people who can support them when the time comes.
I know these conversations may feel awkward now. But someday, I hope my children will hear my voice in those pages and feel, beneath every instruction, how much I wanted to make a hard time gentler for them.
Begin End-of-Life Planning Before You Feel Ready
Advance planning is not about surrendering to death. It is about deciding how you want to be cared for, protecting the people you love from uncertainty, and making room for dignity in your final days.
Even after the deaths I have witnessed, I still feel the weight of doing my own end-of-life planning. I simply no longer mistake discomfort for a reason to put it off.
If a little guidance would help you take your first step, you can learn more about the support I can offer on my Services page.