What would happen if you stopped avoiding thoughts about death?
Many of us avoid thinking about death or dying at all costs. We don't want to spend our precious living moments imagining what it would be like to die—or to lose someone we love.
As a death doula, I see two things again and again: death anxiety and death avoidance. And while avoiding death may make us feel better in the short term, it can make things much harder when death eventually becomes impossible to ignore.The good news is that we don't have to wait until we're facing a serious illness to begin thinking about death. There are ways to gently explore our mortality now—when we're not in crisis. One of those ways is death contemplation.
When Death Anxiety Leads to Death Avoidance
Fear of death and avoidance of death often go hand in hand. If thinking about death makes us uncomfortable, the easiest response is not to think about it. We change the subject. We avoid conversations about dying. We tell ourselves we’ll deal with it “someday.”
The problem is that someday eventually comes.
If you won't think or talk about your own death, you probably won't do much pre-planning. You may not complete advance directives or talk with your family about what matters to you at the end of life.
When that happens, your loved ones may have to make difficult decisions without knowing what you would have wanted.
And that can leave them carrying something they didn't need to carry: guilt and uncertainty.
"I wish Dad had talked to us about what he wanted."
That's something I hear again and again.
Having conversations about death doesn't prevent the pain of losing someone. But it can prevent your loved ones from having to guess what you would have wanted when they're already dealing with the emotional weight of your death.
How Can Death Contemplation Reduce Death Anxiety?
Death avoidance isn't an easy problem to solve because our culture encourages us to avoid the subject. We don't see much death in everyday life. Our loved ones often die in hospitals or hospice facilities rather than in our homes. We use euphemisms like "passed away" rather than saying "died."
So how do we become more comfortable with something we're conditioned to avoid?
I think the key is contemplating our mortality before we're in crisis.
If the first time you seriously think about your mortality is after receiving a serious diagnosis, or sitting beside a loved one in an ICU, you're trying to contemplate life's biggest questions when fear and stress are at their highest.
Instead, consider making death contemplation a regular practice—just as you might make time for exercise, meditation, prayer, or journaling.
Over time, this practice may help death feel less foreign and frightening.
It may also lead to some very practical benefits. You may have deeper conversations with the people you love. You may feel motivated to complete your advance directives. And you may begin to think about what you want your end-of-life care to look like.
Most importantly, you may discover that thinking about death doesn't necessarily make life feel darker.
Sometimes, it helps us appreciate life more fully.
3 Ways to Practice Death Contemplation
Death contemplation doesn't have to mean sitting alone in a dark room contemplating your mortality. There are many ways to practice it, and you can choose something that fits your personality, beliefs, and comfort level.
Here are three approaches you might try.
1. Practice the Buddhist Five Remembrances
The Five Remembrances are a Buddhist practice of contemplating the inevitable changes that come with aging, illness, death, separation, and the consequences of our actions.
The five contemplations are:
- I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
- I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health.
- I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
- All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
- My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.
Even reading these statements once can be surprisingly powerful.
Which one is hardest for you to read?
Your answer might tell you something about what you're actually afraid of.
Sometimes what we call "fear of death" is really fear of something else: fear of growing old, fear of losing our health, fear of losing independence, fear of leaving our family, fear of the unknown, or fear of unfinished business.
Death contemplation can help us begin to untangle those fears.
2. Use a Death Contemplation App Like WeCroak
If a daily meditation practice doesn't appeal to you, technology can provide another way to incorporate death contemplation into your day.
I downloaded the WeCroak app on my phone, which sends five notifications throughout the day with the reminder: "Don't forget, you're going to die."
When you click on the notification, you're given a quote about death.
There's something strangely delightful about being with friends at a margarita bar or taking a walk and getting these reminders.
At first, it sounds morbid.
But over time, I found that these little interruptions helped me let go of some petty worries. A problem that had seemed enormous five minutes earlier sometimes didn't seem quite so important after being reminded that my time on earth is limited.
That, to me, is one of the interesting possibilities of death contemplation.
Remembering that life is finite can help us pay more attention to how we're spending it.
3. Connect with Your Ancestors and Those Who Have Died
There are cultures and religions all over the world that have traditions for remembering and honoring the dead.
One of the traditions many Americans are familiar with is Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, celebrated in Mexico and in communities around the world.
One part of the tradition is creating an altar to honor deceased loved ones. Photographs, favorite foods, flowers, and meaningful objects can all be part of remembering the people who came before us.
You don't have to wait for Day of the Dead to create your own practice of remembering.
It could be as simple as putting photographs of people you've lost in a special place in your home. You might cook your grandmother's favorite recipe, tell stories about someone who died, listen to music they loved, or take a few minutes to remember what they taught you.
Remembering those who have died can help death feel less like a completely foreign experience.
Death is something that has touched every generation before us.
And someday, it will touch ours.
You Don’t Have to Stop Being Afraid of Death
If you adopt one of these practices to contemplate death, I can't promise that your death anxiety will completely disappear.
And I'm not sure that's the goal.
You don't have to become someone who feels completely comfortable with death. You don't have to stop feeling sad about the thought of dying or losing someone you love.
But you may find that regularly making space to think about death changes your relationship with it.
Death may become a little less frightening and a little more familiar.
You may become more willing to talk with your loved ones about what matters to you. You may finally complete those advance directives you've been putting off. You may discover that you have questions about end-of-life care that you'd like to explore.
And you may discover something unexpected:
Contemplating death can actually help you live more intentionally.
Because when we remember that our time is limited, we have an opportunity to ask ourselves a very different question:
If I knew I couldn't avoid death, how might I choose to live?