At the time in my life when I most needed a death doula, I didn’t even know they existed. The role wasn’t yet featured in TV shows or touted by celebrities as their next career path.
I was 100% focused on taking care of my seriously ill mother. And I assumed and believed that the medical system would take care of everything she needed through her death.
In this post, I’ll explain how a death doula can fit into your care and what they can’t take on for you.
How a Death Doula Can Help You
My FAQ page gives a thorough explanation of what a death doula does. You can even browse my Services page to learn about the specific things a death doula can do for you.
In a nutshell, a death doula offers a different kind of support than the rest of your medical team. While your doctors and nurses are focused on your treatments, pain control, and medications, a doula focuses on your entire end-of-life experience.
A death doula can help you understand all of your options and connect you with resources you might otherwise never hear of. Most importantly, a death doula can help advocate for your personal autonomy so that your end-of-life experience reflects your values.
A core belief for doulas is that the dying person is at the center of end-of-life care and has personal autonomy. Personal autonomy means your right to make your own decisions and direct your emotional, spiritual, and cultural choices. A death doula works with you, or someone you have designated as your proxy, to support and advocate for your autonomy.
A death doula can also offer education and practical support to your family caregivers. They may have been thrust into the caregiving role with little experience or knowledge. A death doula’s guidance can reduce fear and stress for everyone involved.
In our society, death is treated almost entirely as a medical event. But that’s not the whole picture. And it’s not until you’re in your deathbed or in that room with someone you love that you realize how intense the emotional experience is.
A death doula offers non-judgmental support and can help you and your family sort through emotions that tend to be present before dying. These can include fear, anxiety, guilt, regret, and shame.
A death doula can also guide you to personalize your dying experience whether you’re in a hospital, a care facility, or in your home. With the right support, a deeply medicalized experience can become more personal, more grounded, and more aligned with what matters most to you.
What a Death Doula Can’t Do for You
So far, we’ve covered what a death doula can do for you. But if you are an individual or family looking to hire a death doula, you should also know what activities are out of scope for them.
As a member of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA), I am committed to following the NEDA Scope of Practice. NEDA was formed in 2017 by leading practitioners and pioneers in the end-of-life field.
Because this profession is unregulated, one of NEDA’s earliest goals was to help build public trust around end-of-life doula care. NEDA’s Scope of Practice explains which services are within a death doula’s role, and which services are limited or excluded. You can read it here.
When I trained as a death doula, we learned what things a death doula can’t do:
- Death doulas can’t perform clinical tasks, such as taking vital signs or administering medication. Licensed nurses or a certified nursing assistant should perform these tasks
for you. - Death doulas can’t give medical advice or tell you what medical treatments to receive. Your medical team or your doctor should advise you on those matters.
- Death doulas can’t make decisions for you. Our job is to present you with options and connect you with resources so you can make your own informed decisions.
- A death doula should never impose their personal beliefs, values, or preferences on you. You tell us what you hold dear and want us to honor.
It’s important to know that a death doula is a non-medical role. But it’s also important to acknowledge that there’s much more to serious illness and dying than just the medical side.
If you or someone you love is facing serious illness and would like calm, compassionate support, I invite you to visit the Schedule a Consultation section of my website. A consultation is free and is a time to ask questions, share what is happening, and explore whether death doula support feels right for you or your family.
We’re all learning together, and your questions and reflections are welcome here. What would you like to learn about death doulas, end-of-life planning, or caring for someone you love?